


"What's Up You Guys It's Me, Bdenbrough!"

by Aestheticdenbrough



Category: IT (1990), IT (2017), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Artists, Childhood Friends, Drawing, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Kid Fic, Kidfic, Losers Club (IT) Friendship, YouTube, YouTube Challenges, Youtube AU, and nine and doesn't really know it yet, bill is trans, childhood crush, georgie dies soon i'm sorry, he wants to be a youtuber because he's really in his shell irl, quarry scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-02
Updated: 2019-01-19
Packaged: 2019-06-20 19:06:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 10,381
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15540975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aestheticdenbrough/pseuds/Aestheticdenbrough
Summary: Bill Denbrough is nine years old. He makes a YouTube channel to try and be more outgoing, and through his journey on YouTube his transition is evident.





	1. Age Nine - 50 Questions Tag

Bill tucks his hair behind his ear, sighing at how long it's getting again. He plops on his desk chair in front of his camera, stacked upon several r.l. Stine books to be level with his face. He props his feet up on the desk thoughtfully, taking a breath to soothe himself, realizing how daunting this is.

He looks at his spiral notebook on his desk, open to the page that reads "50 Questions Tag," in his messy, penciled in handwriting. He picks it up impatiently and clears his throat, pressing the on button on the old family camera. 

"H-hello! _Fuck._ Welcome to m-my channel! I'm bdenbrough and I g-guess I'm your host h-here. Today I'm d-doing the f-fifty questions tag as m-my first video even though n-nobody asked me to," he shrugs precariously and looks down at the paper.

He clears his throat again as his own transition. " _Where w-were you three hours a-ago?_ " He reads off, tapping his chin thoughtfully, "At the q-quarry- I th-think? Eddie was there and we found a g-garden snake! Richie said it's weird I l-liked it because girls aren't s-supposed to like slimey things b-but guess what, Richie? Snakes aren't even slimey! Just scaley!" He chuckles to himself, drawing his eyes down to the next line, "Question two," he prompts.

" _Wh-who am I i-in love with?_ " He reads off with a small frown, "N-nobody! I'm too y-young f-for that, and b-boys are gross!" He jokes, making a sour face to add to his point.

" _H-have you ever eaten a crayon?_ " Bill chuckles to himself, running his hands through his hair, awkwardly catching in a tangle near the end. "Uh. I pr-prefer that you guys m-make that assumption yourself," he chuckles to himself. "I-it was a d-dare- thanks Eddie, he'd n-never say he dared m-me though," he adds with a whisper.

" _Is th-there anything pink within t-ten feet of you?_ " He reads, spinning in his chair around to look around. "Uhhh- m-my new church dress, d-don't tell m-my mom but I hate it. And a-also a l-lot of things o-on my bed and i-in my closet probably."

" _L-last time you went t-to the mall?_ " He looks, staring into the window behind the camera as he thinks, sticking his tongue out slightly in concentration. "A wh-while ago- s-saw a movie there with m-my friends," he remembers finally, pointing at the camera excitedly as he does.

" _Are y-you wearing socks right n-now?_ Uh yeah, r-right here under m-my sandals," he jokes, bringing up his leg to reveal that he's wearing strappy sandals, no socks under them though, already showcasing his sarcastic sense of humor.

" _Does y-your family have a c-car worth o-over $2,000?_ T-to hell if I know," he shrugs, flipping the page to the next page of his "script".

He spins around in his chair once, obviously getting distracted by doing the same thing for so long. He takes a moment to reconvene, reading off the next one. "Question s-seven," he starts, squinting his eyes at his own bad handwriting.

" _When was th-the last time you were o-out of town?_ Well I l-leave Derry e-every Thursday for sp-speech therapy," he says with a theatrical shrug.

" _Have you b-been to a movie in th-the past f-five days?_ " He thinks for a moment, his tongue going back out thoughtfully, counting back the days since he and Richie and Stan and Eddie had seen a movie at the mall, "N-nope, it's been o-over a week I'd say," he finally answers.

" _Are you h-hot?_ " He looks at the camera awkwardly and blinks a few times slowly, running his hands through his hair so it lands behind his ear again. "Y-yeah? I m-mean our air conditioning is br-broken and it's the m-middle of summer," he finally decides on answering.

" _Last th-thing you had to drink?_ " He ponders for a moment, knowing that thinking so long about this probably means he's dehydrated. "Oh! Th-this morning m-my mom made lemonade- she n-never makes it s-sour enough."

" _What are you w-wearing right now?_ " Bill looks down at himself, "Uhhh sh-shirt from... Justice? Fr-from my aunt I th-think," he muses, "And a-a-a-a," he sighs deeply at his inability to apparently get that word out, "d-denim skirt from who kn-knows," he shrugs as he turns the page.

" _Do I w-wash my car or g-get a car wash?_ " He smirks to himself at the answer he considers. "I m-mean, Eddie and St-Stan already insist on Clorox wiping R-Richie's Hot Wheels so," he shrugs, pleased with himself for the additional irony. He doesn't usually talk this way- so openly and humorously all at once. He thinks he likes it so far, but he'll have to keep up with it.

" _Last f-food you ate?_ Richie's m-mom made us turkey s-sandwiches, she's r-really nice, I help h-her with the dishes sometimes," Bill says, flashing the camera a winning smile, he likes to feel useful, and Maggie never ceases to have something for him to do when he wants to do something.

" _Wh-where was I- this t-time last week?_ I have n-no clue and n-no desire t-to sit and th-think about it," he chuckles to himself, grabbing his pencil off his desk clumsily to cross the question out aggressively.

" _Have y-you bought new clothing i-in the past week?_ Uh y-yeah, the nasty Church dr-dress my mom got me, it's a-all pink and fr-frilly- wait lemme g-get it!" He says scrambling up to grab it from the hook on his dresser door, holding it against himself for the camera, "Look! It's disgusting!" He whisper yells, running to go put it back as fast as he'd gotten it.

" _L-last time you r-ran?_ Richie w-was chasing after m-me, tag, E-Eddie got him and then I h-had to make a run for it b-because he was really cl-close to where I was," he says, letting the exhilaration of the moment translate into his storytelling.

" _Last sp-sport you watched?_ " He thinks to himself, not a fan of watching organized sports for the most part, "I a-actually don't kn-know, maybe a b-basketball g-game at the high school," he shrugs, flipping the page of his notebook again.

" _Favorite animal?_ A dog! O-or a cat! Or am I o-obligated to s-say a hamster b-because I have one? H-his name is cheese and my dad says he's a l-little rascal just like I am," Bill says, beaming as if he takes it as the most sincere of compliments.

" _Dream v-vacation?_ " He reads, sighing when he realizes he doesn't know, he stares just next to the camera and out the window as he thinks, hearing the door open behind him after a while.

"You done?" A small voice asks before a sprout of blond hair appears before the small boy attached to it. "Said you'd read me a story," the small voice adds, looking timid in Bill's presence.

Bill looks frustrated at first but softens, walking over and trying to lift the boy up by under his armpits, the toddler's shirt riding up awkwardly as they waddle back to the desk chair, "Th-this is my brother, h-his name is G-Georgie, he's a little rascal t-too," Bill chuckles, showing off the small boy to the camera, proud of having him no matter how much he continuously denies it to his friends.

"N-now get off m-my frame you a-hole!" Bill exclaims, shoving him out of the camera's view gently, "I'll tell you wh-when I'm done," he tells him as the younger boy trudges off quietly.

"S-sorry about that!" He says to the camera, "Question tw-twenty one," he says, taking a breath in preparation. " _Whose house w-were you at last?_ Richie's! Wh-when his mom made us sandwiches a-after the quarry today!" He says excitedly at the memory, giving the camera a toothy smile without even meaning to, completely genuine.

" _Worse i-injury you've e-ever had?_ " He reads, pretending to ponder to make himself seem more interesting despite his life of usually just skinned knees and elbows and mosquito bites when he stays out late. 

He finally starts his story, looking at the ceiling in trying to remember what he's been told of this story. "I w-was three? I th-think? I was b-being dumb, and I g-got myself wacked b-by a car. I w-was unconscious for s-seven hours," he reports, not having much emotion tied to this story, not remembering a wink of it. 

"M-mom says it's h-how I got m-my stutter- but how w-would she know? I h-hardly talked b-before I was three?" He chuckles, jiggling his leg as his filming energy returns. He'd call it filming energy but really, it's "being nine years old" energy. 

"Did you really call your brother an a-hole?" His mother calls up the stairs with a tone that makes Bill flinch. He spins his chair around to the door to be sure she doesn't come. He looks back at the camera. 

"Th-this has been bdenbrough, I g-gotta go," he says in a hushed voice before pressing the off button to go deal with his angry mother. 


	2. Quarry Vlog ft. MY FRIENDS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bill films a short video with Stan, Eddie and Richie at the quarry.

Bill looks down at himself in the camera viewfinder, chewing his lip anxiously before he even turns it on. He clicks the on button, toying with the straps of his swimsuit top. 

"Hey g-guys! It's m-me, bdenbrough," he says with a small smile, pushing his ponytailed hair off his shoulder to hang down his back instead. "Today I'm d-doing a vl-vl-vlog!" He announces, still looking a little uncomfortable filming this intro.

"You're g-going to m-meet my friends, we're gonna sw-swim at the quarry today," he explains, picking up the camera to hold it up in line with his face.

"S-sorry for not u-uploading for s-so long, m-my parents d-don't know ab-bout m-my channel and they're o-out today. They're t-taking Georgie t-to the dentist, he's s-such a l-little booger," Bill chuckles, smirking playfully for the camera. 

He starts walking down the stairs, huffing right into the camera unprofessionally. He reaches the bottom slipping on his pink flip flops that his mom had purchased for him at the local Payless shoe store.

He smiles to the camera. "N-now for the walk t-to the quarry," he smiles, turning the camera clumsily away from his face to the view ahead of him, planning hopefully to put some music over this part.

He films past town, nearly tripping over his slightly too big sandals. His mom is all about buying them big so they'll fit for longer, though they never seem to last to the point of fitting just right before he goes through another sudden growth spurt.

He pays specific attention to filming the trees and the squirrels and sometimes zooming in far onto towns people's faces if he thought their expression was silly. He finds that filming makes everything more interesting because now he's thinking about entertaining more than just himself, which by default makes him notice more things that could be entertaining.

He finally arrives at the quarry, his frizzy curls hopefully still held back in the loose ponytail he'd rushed out before he'd left the house. He walks up, being the only one there so far. Richie probably being distracted by random small animals, Stan likely paying close attention to the cracks in the sidewalk, and Eddie's mom probably being her awful self and venting to him all the reasons he shouldn't hang out with this group of kids.

Bill settles himself on the end of the cliff's edge, filming the sparkle the sun leaves on the water. He even slips off his flip flops and sets them on the dirt ground behind himself, kicking his feet on camera, showing the audience his chipped toenail polish that he's really tried to remove but failed miserably.

He hears some talking behind him, turning quickly, stopping the camera and putting it on the ground quickly so he could explain to what seems to be Eddie and Stan what his goal is today. "H-hey guys!" He says, pushing himself to his feet to greet them.

"Nice swimsuit," Eddie teases, poking Bill's bare but fully freckled shoulder. He knows Bill isn't very feminine for what he considers a girl, them still only being around ten years old. He's always surprised to see Bill in the forced pink that he only wears when it's his only option.

Bill sticks out his tongue in response, "I'm t-taking some video t-today for my YouTube ch-channel, is th-that okay?" He asks, not wanting to post something without their permission, though he plans to edit it to show them best.

"Yeah, as long as my mother can't see it," Eddie chuckles, taking his shirt off carefully, slipping off his own sandals to be ready for the water.

"Where's the trashmouth? It's too quiet," Stan chuckles softly to himself, his sense of humor too mature for most of his friends to understand. He's a lot like his mother, quiet and sophisticated, and he makes the same jokes.

"He's probably trying to ch-chase a squirrel," Eddie giggles, covering his mouth with a cupped hand that only amplifies and muffles the sound of his childish laughter.

Stan joins in laughing, nudging Eddie with his shoulder, "God, you're an ass," he says in a hushed voice, looking around them in the irrational fear that somehow an adult could hear them.

Just then, as if he could sense he was being talked about, the unruly blonde boy pops up into the clearing, "Ya miss me?" He calls to the group, patting Eddie's bare shoulder just a little too hard in his excitement.

"Speak of t-the devil," Bill laughs to himself, pushing Richie slightly away from Eddie for his shorter friend's own good. 

"Asshole!" Eddie shrieks, pushing Richie himself, having always been firey and good at defending himself despite the fact that Richie never means harm, he's just a bit too much sometimes.

Bill walks over to grab his camera quickly, hoisting it up onto his shoulder to point at his three best friends. "S-say hi to th-the camera y-you dinguses," he giggles.

Richie immediately brightens, throwing his hands up in excitement, "Who's this video for?" He asks loudly, already making faces and trying to look handsome for the camera.

"Y-youtube," Bill tells him with a sure nod, "To m-make us famous," he jokes, turning the camera to Stan and Eddie next. "Th-these are Stan and E-Eddie, they're my other fr-friends," he tells, the smile evident in his voice.

Richie grins, "Roight my fine friends," he says, patting Stan and Eddie's backs, tearing off his shirt and shoes and immediately making a mad dash for the cliff, gesturing to Bill to film him jumping down to the water below. He doesn't look as cool as he wants to, flailing and screaming loud enough for the camera to pick up.

Everyone on the ground still starts giggling madly as soon as they hear him clumsily belly flop onto the surface of the water with a low groan. They walk up carefully to look over the edge at him, Bill letting the camera view the scene as well.

"Y'g-good, Richie?" Bill calls, creasing his eyebrows when it takes a few moments for Richie to pop back up from the water. 

Richie dramatically shoots up from the water with a teasing grin, "Haha! Got you!" He shouts, feeling entirely like he's the most hilarious dude of Earth for scaring them.

"Asshole!" Eddie yells, cupping his hands over his mouth to amplify his sound 

"Bitch boy!" Bill yells, a usual insult of his, which is what the girls at school often calls the boys and he's eventually picked up on.

Stan is quiet, still working through the original worry, working through it as if he's in a state of grief about it, he really does care about his friends more than he lets on.

Eddie looks to his right, "You good, Stanny?" He asks softly, putting his hand on Stan's shoulder which makes him jump a little before taking a deep breath.

"Yeah, I'm fine," he says with a sweet smile back to him, patting his shoulder in return, "Ready to jump?" He asks Eddie, his own type of playful smirk taking over his face.

Bill nods to them, stepping back with the camera upon his shoulder to get the scene on camera, smiling to them when he's ready, getting them jumping right off the cliff holding hands, it's quite aesthetic if Bill would say so himself.

Next, Bill shuts off the camera and sets it down, running his own to jump down and meet the others, feeling the water engulf him, the water filling his ears, making a face to himself as he pops back up.

They all look at each other with matching grins, nearly all splashing each other all at once, erupting into childish giggles, their favorite time of summer when they can all act like kids.

They spend hours and hours going crazy in the water. They dunk each other under, not doing it to Bill though because they've been told by their parents that they shouldn't, which gives Bill free game to jump them under the water all he wants without retaliation.

They get out of the water fully sunburnt, everyone but Eddie whose mother insisted in lathering him with the strong sunscreen she could find.

They rub at their backs, cringing at the soreness and the heat, Bill walks right up to the family camera that he uses to film, making sure his hands are dry. He aims it in front of his face, "Hi again! Th-the video was sh-short but taking a camera i-in the water means trouble," he says with a shy smile, looking back at the others, "g-guys! S-say bye to the s-subscribers with m-me!" He shouts, gesturing for them to come closer.

They all gather around, they always listen to Bill, he's always been a bit of a leader, simply for how demanding he can be. The all wave, attempting to all shout 'Bye!' at once but it ends as a layered chorus of chaos.

"See y-you next time," Bill says, going to shut the camera quickly, holding it close to himself for the walk home, slipping on his shoes again before saying real goodbyes to the group.


	3. "Life Update!"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bill returns to YouTube after some time of just not making videos. He's been having a tough time in life but he does try and keep the tone of his video light.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The fic is back!!!

A new video doesn’t come for quite sometime, the young boy having a short attention span and a channel kept deeply secret from his family. He doesn’t sit in front of the camera until the late November of his eleventh year. He’s gone quiet for a bit, but he did finally make an instagram account to link in his bio, the same as his channel name, bdenbrough.

He’s sitting in his room as he usually starts his videos. In his desk chair with his camera propped up a couple books. Though this time he didn’t hijack the family camera, he uses a tablet he got for his eleventh birthday in April. He smiles a small smile at it, he’d finally learned to use a video editing program in his computers class at school and has decided it’s about time he test his skills out for the big dogs, his subscribers on YouTube.

He crosses his leg over the other, crossing his arms across his chest. He’s grown uncomfortable with it in the recent past. He’s trying his best to see how he should sit to look best he can on camera. He finally presses record on the small handheld device, having to prop it back up when it almost falls flat to the table.

“What’s up it’s m-me! B-bdenbrough,” he says with the same smile he had on camera oh so long ago. “It’s been o-over a year hasn’t it? Well h-here we have a life update. I h-h-have three more friends, one l-less brother, and n-now my speech therapy is onl-ly every Saturday because my parents don’t w-want me out much on weekdays since the sick th-that fucked e-everything up in October.”

“I’m gonna try and not be e-emotional about this topic because my ch-channel is supposed to be fun! So we’re not go-gonna talk about that, we’re gonna talk ab-bout how Stan and Richie joined the baseball t-t-team and my parents wouldn’t let me because it’s not ‘ladylike.’” he gives the camera a our face to show how upset he is at the fact. That, and his general distaste for the idea of “ladylike”. He can’t explain it but for some reason it’s never suited him and the behaviors expected of him to be such seem so out of the question. Not only because they’re frustrating but also because they don’t feel compatible with him as a person.

“We redid a little of my room over su-summertime! It’s got more green in it, only a light green, but my mom said it looked fine with the pink so it wouldn’t do much h-harm to her ‘aesthetic’. She used to re-r-r-really want us to seem like the p-perfect family, happy husband and wife and happy daughter and younger son. She kinda g-gave up on that though, so maybe if I save my allowance I can even change my room more,” he says with a sheepish and only slightly pleased smile, trying to make the situation brighter despite the sad undertones.

He suddenly gets up from his spot, clumsily going to grab the camera from it’s spot to bring it with him. He accidentally covers the camera itself with a stubby thumb of his, he’ll have to edit that transition out later. “I got m-more comics for m-my collection!” he remembers to tell his audience. Though it’s likely his audience is six people, all his best friends, and they’ve already heard a lot of this in person and as it all happened. He doesn’t mind though, making his merry way to the bin pushed under his bed, full of the worn magazines holding tales of heroes, the ones who always save the day.

Beverly had complained when she met them that there aren’t as many girl superheroes as there are boy ones, but Bill hasn’t ever minded. The other boys especially haven’t noticed, but when he’s with the losers, it almost slips his mind that he’s not a boy himself. It’s not a bad thing, though. If anything, falling back to the surface of Earth and realizing he’s different than them hits him harder than the fact that he sees himself completely different around them.

He pulls out a newer addition to his pile, one that depicts the angry Hulk in position ready to fight someone. It makes Bill giggle a little when he sees it. Sometimes he wishes he could be like the Hulk. Like when his parents are being what he calls “turds”, he wishes he could grow muscular beyond repair and pop right out of whatever dress his mom makes him wear to church services. There are times that it would be all he would wish for. He’d get his revenge and then he’d stomp off and calm down, only to nab some clothes from richie’s closet and never return to the worn victorian home he’s lived in with his parents all his life.

He snaps from the daydream that leaves him in a smiling haze before the camera. Another bit to edit out later. He looks back to the screen again with his normal YouTube smile. “This is one o-of the ones Richie gave m-me when I m-missed a lot of school after Georgie,” he trails off for a moment, tucking his messy hair behind his ear. It’s far past summer but he is still the same ginger freckly kid he was when he was out in the sun every day.

“My fr-friends have really b-been there for me this past while. I u-used to get m-mad and wish I was a-an only child but n-now that he’s gone I’d do anything to have h-him back probably,” he sighs wistfully. He shrugs his shoulders before relaxing them, sitting up on his knees and pulling up his jeans by the belt loops, running his hand over the flowers embroidered on the thighs.

He finally grabs the tablet to get up and turn the camera around to the back view. “If y-you look at my bed o-over there, my p-pillowcases are like a n-nice neon green b-but I’m filming on a p-potato so you can’t see the p-pattern,” he chuckles to himself, a childish laugh though different than the one that could be heard in his older videos, before the tragedy.

“And over on m-my desk ohmygosh I f-forgot to show you!” he says, finally getting more into the actually communication with his audience in this video. “I got n-new colored markers! I’ve b-been drawing a lot n-now but nothing g-good enough to show online yet. M-maybe on my instagram in the f-future!”

“My p-parents will probably be h-home in a while and I n-need to do my chores so they d-don’t have me b-by my earlobes,” he chuckles, “So, sorry th-this video is so sh-short. Especially a-after the long break, but I’ll hopefully st-stay on longer now!” he says, posing the camera up on the books again.

He sits in his desk chair, spinning around before smiling at the camera. “So, this h-has been bdenbrough! S-signing out!” he exclaims, covering the camera with his hand for an outro before actually pressing the stop button to end the recording session.

He sighs in relief, the stutter through all his videos is always embarrassing. He fears getting hate online for it, but he also has to remind himself that he is nowhere near popular enough on the social media yet to get actual hate. Everyone who watches probably knows him in real life, his losers are essentially immune to his stuttering. Even Eddie doesn’t get so frustrated by it at this point.

He pulls up the file on his gallery, a bit longer than he thought he’d been filming. Though he does have to account for the long breaks he took that he needs to edit out in his app. He knows he won’t need to break it up into parts though, it should run nicely enough.

He adds in probably the most cheesy edits ever. Sparkles revealing his username on the beginning, laughing sounds in the background when he says something he finds stupid. Making fun of himself preemptively before anyone else can. It’s the humor that’s all the rage at the moment, self deprecation. He almost hopes it’ll give him more followers. His goal may be to go viral, but the truth is it would probably be too scary for him. He never has had much of an online presence until now, he likes taking it slow. Surprises aren’t something he enjoys. Predictability is key.


	4. NEW FRIEND VS OLD FRIEND - WHO KNOWS ME BETTER?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bill has Eddie and Beverly on his channel to challenge them to see who knows him better.

Bill decides to get on an uploading schedule. He wants to post every other week on a sunday, giving him Saturday to film and edit. He makes a habit of it, the hardest part is coming up with ideas for his videos, so often they end up being viral challenges that have long past, or tags he hasn’t even gotten tagged in, like his first video.

His titles give him a few more subscibers, “SLIME MAKING”, “THE ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE - HYPOTHERMIA?”. He learns to become the king of clickbait. He rises up to 100 or so subscibers in a couple months. It makes him feel on top of the world, like the coolest kid in Derry.

Summer comes and he decides it’s finally a good enough time to introduce his newer friends in a vlog or in another type of video. His audience has met Richie, Eddie, and Stan, but not Beverly or Mike or Ben. He especially wants to introduce Bev, he thinks she’s really pretty, and maybe she’ll be impressed by his whopping 257 followers. Maybe she’d even go to get milkshakes with him, or even get a bag of candy to share.

So he sets out on how to execute his next idea, “Best Friend vs New Friend: Who Knows Me Best?” He enlists Eddie for this one, he knows Richie may be too animated for even YouTube in his fresh out of school haze. Plus it’s good to get Eddie out of the house whenever he can, Sonia is something else.

He pulls the bean bags out of the closet so he can sit on his desk chair between them. He’s excited for this one, he can basically call it a collab, even though Eddie and Bev aren’t necessarily other content creators. He could pretend they are though, even linking their instagrams in the description box. Call them influencers, basically anyone can be one of those these days.

He looks down at his arms, covered in blue and black pen, doodles all down his forearms. He gets bored when he’s planning questions for these, more often than not turning to Google for a lot of them. His left arm is laced with planets and stars, even an attempt at recreating the milky way on his wrist near the root of his hand. He decides not to wash it off, it only adds to his charm.

He awaits the knock on the door, Beverly had said that they would meet up and walk together to his place. His parents work on weekdays and today is a Friday, so it’s perfect for him. He loves the summer, his parents aren’t always around when he’s home, it gives him room to enjoy himself.

He finally does hear the knock of the two of them while he’s propping his tablet up on some books on his desk as a tripod, he had hoped to get one for his birthday but his parents obviously wouldn’t, and they’re a little too expensive for his friend’s style.

He bolts down the stairs with his socked feet, slipping slightly on the corner, almost stubbing his toe on the wood baseboard. He has a bad habit of rushing himself to put out videos, he’s a workaholic on a self inflicted job at the age of twelve.

He’s going to be starting seventh grade next year, he hopes the work that comes of that doesn’t put a damper on his creativity for his channel. His channel is about all that brings him joy when his friends aren’t around. A self sufficient antidepressant. It’s even better when he gets to bring them in for videos.

He opens the door out of breath, pushing his hair back behind his shoulders. It’s getting long, he’ll have to ask for a trim soon. He smiles at them as he takes in gasps of air to control himself better. “Ready to f-f-film?” he asks, still leaning against the doorframe.

“Damn, you’re wheezier than Eddie,” Bev smirks, chuckling as she steps into the threshold of the house, patting him on the back firmly enough to get him to choke. He gives her a smile, his face as red as his hair, as well as hers. They’re the two red head chicks at school, they stick together. Though Bill has always been more shy, Beverly is better at being abrasive in response to the teasing.

“Hey! I r-r-r-ran to let y-you guys in,” He defends, moving out of the way to let Eddie come in as well. “It’s all s-set up upstairs, I have a-all the questions and the props all r-ready,” he says with pride on his face as the shorter boy comes in through the door, wiping off his feet and closing the heavy wood door behind him.

“Sounds good, you’re on, Bev,” Eddie says with his own devilish grin, he plans on winning, he can do it all with his memory. He probably knows everything about Bill there is to know, they’ve been chumming since kindergarten, the age of five all the way to them being twelve now.

They all stomp up the stairs, allowed to be as loud as they want with the lack of parents in the house, the premises all to the kids. Bill plops down on his chair, spinning in a circle happily. Bev and Eddie sit hard in the bean bags, on his left and right sides respectively.

Bill leans forward to start the recording, sitting back in his seat, putting on the usual energy. “What up you g-guys! It’s m-me, Bdenbrough back here with y-your Saturday entert-t-tainment!” he announces with a bright smile. “Here I h-have for you, Beverly and Eddie, the b-best friend vs n-new friend challenge,” He says with a slight smirk, feeling as if he’s got tricks up his sleeve.

Beverly smiles and waves with the tips of her fingers, the gap between her teeth showing through her parted lips, covered in her favorite cherry lip gloss. “I’m Bev,” she introduces, “Basically this one’s twin,” she says, pointing up at Bill in his seat, crossing one of her legs over the other.

Eddie adopts a slightly less nervous expression as the filming actually starts, “I’m Eddie, call me any funky nicknames and I’ll castrate you,” he states, giving the camera a smile that’s almost eerie after what he just said.

“Well! L-let’s get started with the questions I’ve pr-prepared,” Bill says, pulling out his organized filming journal, scanning his eyes over the page of questions, they aren’t too hard, but hopefully just enough so he can claim a true winner to this channel. Or else his clickbait would be even worse.

“First, w-what’s m-my favorite color?” he asks, crossing his own leg over the other, a smug look on his face despite the easiness of the question. He’s saving the big guns for later, giving him the false sense of security.

“Blue!” Bev jumps in before Eddie can. Blue is Bill’s favorite more recently, Eddie was about to say either lime green or purple, those are the colors he’d planned to paint his room a couple months back. He also wanted some wolf posters, but what his mom provided were some ones with bunnies on them. She doesn’t want her daughter to get too rough or aggressive. Bunnies are the perfect role model.

A few more easy questions come, about animals and about what his favorite subject at school was this year, up until he brings up one of the most complicated questions of the game. “W-what am I most scared o-of starting Middle School n-next year?” he asks, a quizzical look even on his own face.

“Uhm…” Eddie starts, cradling his chin in his hand in focus, his eyes nearly piercing the camera with their sharpness. “Having a reputation that’s not what you are?” He guesses, and Bill’s expression softens.

“I’ll take that a-answer. That’s nine for Eddie and e-eight for Beverly,” he says, striking his pen across the page for another talley on Eddie’s side. “That w-was the final question! The rumors are true, b-best friend since kinderg-garten wins!” he smiles, patting Eddie on the shoulder as he smiles.

It is true. He doesn’t want a reputation. He doesn’t want to be seen as girly, he thinks he might like girls which makes him feel weird inside. It makes him shiver with even more fear and excitement when he thinks of Bev. He likes her, but he can’t be gay, he’d be the first one to be outed if he ever uttered a single word about it to anyone.


	5. Totally An Art Channel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bill finds love in creating a new type of content, deciding it may become more part of his regular posting schedule.

A particularly blustery and rainy day brings a rush of blue creative energy to Bill’s mind. It’s October again, like when Georgie had gone missing. He doesn’t want to go outside or even have any of his friends over, so he decides the video he must film should be different than his normal ones, a different tone filling him.

He sits at his desk with some of his watercolors and colored pencils, ready to create something like he hasn’t in a long time. His art has been on the backburner for a while, school started a month ago and stripped him of his time and even his own personal way of thinking. It was all Algebra and Shakespearean sonnets. But now, he’ll really try and get himself back into it. 

He ties his red locks back with a gray scrunchie, pulling on a sweatshirt to keep warm against the cold and the way the heater in the house has been failing for several years, it just hasn’t gotten around to being fixed. Space heaters and extra layers have always been enough for Bill and Georgie. They would never dare complain, Sharon and Zach try their best. And now Georgie isn’t there to complain to either, and Bill just goes quieter.

He really has been questioning himself recently. He wears a lot of hoodies and sweatshirts, especially the thick ones that sometimes even go down to his knees. Bev says he’s just going through a phase all girls do, having some body insecurity, it goes away after you try your hardest to like what God has given you.

He also really likes the look of his hair tucked up into beanies, a faux pixie cut. He still has to ask Sharon if he can get his hair all trimmed off, he wants it at least up to his ears, it’ll be out of the way then and he won’t have to put it up whenever it gets in his face. It’ll only be beneficial, even if Sharon doesn’t think it’s so cute.

Bill isn’t so sure it’s the same insecurity Bev has been feeling. She’s excited about growing a chest and her hips widening, but Bill can only feel fear for the impending changes of his body. He thinks it’s wrong. It hasn’t been so much of a problem before, but middle school has jump started deep feelings of discomfort with every piece of himself, except maybe his own mind.

He never has his nails groomed, but since he’ll be recording a view of his hands for this video he at least trims his nails off, shaping the squared out edges with a nail file, wincing at the sandpaper-y feel so close to his skin.

He finally does get that done though, washing the dust from his fingers and returning to find a way to set up his tablet for the angle he wants to have for this concept. It’s going to be a draw/sketch with me, hopefully turned paint with me when it comes to the watercolors he got recently. He hasn’t gotten to use them yet.

He gets his phone tilted to the paper, the camera not good enough to pick up on the subtle bumps and grooves in the paper, made for peak paint performance. He starts the camera and picks up his charcoal pencil, the one he picked up at the hobby lobby the other day when he went with Beverly so she could get some thread to embroider a design on her new denim skirt for school. He aunt had brought it for her from Portland when she came down for a week in summer, Bev just hasn’t gotten to customize it quite yet.

He starts the video with a shot of him sharpening the pencil with a small handheld pencil sharpener. “Whatup! It’s m-me bdenbrough back w-with your Saturday entertainment. Today I-I’m taking it a little slower than usual, calming a l-little. We’re d-doing a draw with me, I’m gonna b-be trying to keep a cool color sch-scheme here, and we’re just gonna have a l-little chat,” he says, smiling wistfully even though his face isn’t on camera and they wouldn’t be able to hear it.

He starts drawing out a general shape, small ovals to start out some sort of human, “I th-think I might draw a m-mermaid, get some mythical cr-creatures up in my sketch collection,” he decides out loud, drawing out a few ovals to create a torso shape and then a longer one and triangle for the fins on the bottom of the tail.

Then he starts making lines around the shape, creating smoother curves around everything until it looks almost more like it could be closer to human, sans the tail of course. The last thing he leaves in the sketch is the face. “So d-don’t mind m-my inability to make faces,” he says with a small chuckle.

He draws one eye closer and larger than the other, making sure the perspective of the facial expression matches how he made the angles of the body work. Drawing lips is always fun for him, they never look the same as the last pair of lips. He makes it more symbolic than it is. “All m-my characters lips look different. They all h-have unique things to say, and the words fall fr-from unique mouths.”

He continues adding more life to the eyes, erasing a little shine in the pupils from the side where the lighting is going to come from. He’s been working more on his shading, he’s pretty proud of how far he’s gotten in his art journey. He definitely needs to work more on anatomy, but at least he can blame bad anatomy on his art style. 

“I don’t h-have a name for this ch-character yet, but maybe you g-guys can suggest some! D-down in the comments let me know what her name and story sh-should be!” He announces, he just desperately wants for his subscribers to interact more, they’ve been slowing rising and it almost worries him, becoming known would be great to him, but he also doesn’t want this to become more of an actual job to him than it already is.

He pulls out his thin tipped sharpie to line it, trying to be up like one of the big art youtubers with their fancy lineart and good coloring skills. He lines it the best he can, though his hands are often shaky and it makes for difficult art. He plans to fill the empty space with some soft music when he isn’t talking. Just to make sure it’s not too boring.

He doesn’t start talking until he uncaps his blue marker to color in her details. “So I-I’m gonna be coloring this dr-drawing in with mostly cool t-toned colors,” he explains. He gets started on coloring in the darker tones, a colorless blender can be used to remove anything that gets too intense.

He drags the tip around in thick, long, and even strokes, covering her tail evenly with the deep blue, to contrast how bright blue he’ll color in the ocean. He fills her hair in with some strokes of violet among some lilac.

The completed drawing comes out nice, not the best he could do, but he did have the pressure of filming as he did it. “Okay so sh-she seems to be completed,” he says, tilting the camera up to show his smile, “So th-that concludes our Saturday video. I-it was kinda short and quiet b-but I had fun filming it!” he finally presses the camera off, letting out a sigh of relief.


	6. personal vlog CUTTING MY HAIR OFF

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bill cuts his hair off finally after some time of feeling uncomfortable about it. Beverly helps him fix it up in the end.

The art video turns out to be a big hit with his viewers, and he decides to keep up with that video style. He pumps out a few more draw with me videos, then jumps onto the Inktober bandwagon later than he wishes he did, but he did due to popular demand, and the drawings do well in his videos and even on his instagram.

He keeps up with his drawing better than with the challenges. He can slowly get better at art, but challenges weren’t getting him anywhere. Now he gets to even improve and gain followers by sharing his own ideas and talent. His hands get less shaky as he goes, and now he’s learned the fact that if he gets popular enough he could gain money from it. He’d love for that, he could get copics, or even a drawing tablet.

Even better, by November he has the best idea he possibly could. His video won’t necessarily be an art video, but it is one that excites him to share. He sets up the camera in his bathroom, leaned against the mirror next to the sink. He clicks the button to start the recording, letting out a deep sigh to try and calm his racing heart.

He’s in basically pajamas, just a t-shirt and some sweatpants, it’s a Friday night and he just wants to do this impulsively. He has a pair of craft scissors in his hand, posing ironically with them before he properly starts filming, he needs a thumbnail of course. “What up y-you guys it’s m-me, bdenbrough, and today’s video is o-one I’ve been p-p-putting off for a long time,” he says truthfully, holding up the scissors before he starts explaining.

“I have a r-really complicated relationship w-with my hair. It’s long and a-annoying and I don’t th-think it looks nice on me. So f-for today’s video, I’m going to be cutting it off. M-myself. It won’t l-look good but! M-maybe Beverly c-can help me save it!” he says with a slight chuckle.

He takes the scissors and pulls out a lock of hair from his shoulder, snipping it ceremoniously at a random place to get himself started, giggling in excitement and feeling empowered with the first cut. Soon it’ll be gone, soon he’ll feel more like himself. 

He snips away quietly, the crunch of the scissors going through his thick hair is the only sound in the bathroom except when the heat comes on for about ten minutes. He goes about this slowly. Something to remember, it’s important for him and he wants this moment to last. When he edits he’ll have to speed it up and put some fun and upbeat music in the background, but for now this it time with himself.

He gets it all up to his shoulders, then to his earlobes, and now he wants to be more careful so it actually looks good. He decides it would just be best to ask Bev to come over, she can sneak out without her parents noticing quite well by now. He pauses his filming to call her over, she doesn’t mind, she’s just a little shocked.

She arrives and he starts the camera again before he even lets her see his hair, making her stand outside his bathroom and knock so he can get a good take of surprising his friend. She gasps quietly and runs her hand through a longer strand by his ear. “Short hair suits you,” she says finally in a small voice. His heart can’t help but swell with joy.

“Now let me help you clean this up, alright?” she asks, waiting for his hesitant nod, looking him in the eye where she sees tears lying at his lower lashline like a sea below the sea of his blue eyes. He’s never looked so elated, Beverly can’t help but smile herself.

She snips at an upward patter to try and make it look natural, like a haircut done professionally. “Kids at school might say stuff, letting you know,” she says just as softly as she’s been, running her hands through Bill’s now short hair to get the trimmed pieces of his head, letting them flutter down to the floor with the rest of it.

“I know. I j-just was really getting t-tired of it long,” he sighs, smiling awkwardly, his lips spread wide apart to try and hold his innocence in the conversation. He looks to the camera again, trying to be mindful of the fact that he’ll have to edit this all to make sense later. Now he thinks he may put in some more emotional music in the sped up parts, he might take Bev’s statements to make it better. Not to capitalize on this, but it would be something he’s more proud of in the end.

“I’m getting tired of mine too. What do you say I trim some of mine off too?” she asks as she finishes making the hair on his head look more presentable. Bill gives a happy nod, he surely doesn’t mind her snipping some off in solidarity. Maybe he won’t be alone in the teasing about his hair being all chopped off if she has new hair too.

Bev takes the scissors and looks in the mirror, leaning over the counter to get closer to it to be sure she can see her hair properly. She goes slowly. She’s also been needing a trim, she’s glad for the opportunity to do it with her close friend. She only chops up to her shoulders, but that is a big change for her regardless due to how long it was previously.

“How do I look?” she asks as she finishes about half of her head, still trying to add layered ends as she talks, only looking over at Bill through his reflection in the mirror. He smiles, his grin full of a sparkling enthusiasm. 

“You l-look beautiful B-Bev,” he smiles, his voice quiet but just loud enough for the camera to pick up. He may have to edit that out, he doesn’t want all of his followers to be able to deduce hi crush on her, he doesn’t need that teasing.

They finish up their hair, taking some nice selfies together for the thumbnail and a few for each of their instagrams. He sits down to edit it, looking at himself. He hasn’t filmed his body in a while, it makes him uncomfortable, from that moment on, he decides he’ll wear sports bras. He misses the way his chest looked before these things decided to grow on him.


	7. Revelations.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Instead of filming a video about his self discovery, Bill elects to just improve his life based on what he realizes.

Being present online has it’s perks and downfalls. He discovers a website called Tumblr. He makes an account because he hears it’s a good place to post his art. Though he gets wrapped up into some communities unknowingly. Posts about the lgbt community come up on his dash, he can’t help but like a few about being “wlw”, a girl who likes girls, but he can’t commit himself to reblog it, the posts make him smile but he doesn’t feel completely right relating to them.

One day something comes up on his dash that would change his outlook. It’s a resource page for trans men. The word binding catches his eye, it’s like what he does with the sports bras, like how they make him more comfortable. He clicks the link and it takes him to a website, apparently one that gives away free binders to boys who can’t afford to buy them.

He clicks out of it quickly, deleting it from his search history. He feels a lot of anxiety despite how this is relieving to some small part of him. He clicks another link, this one is an article that starts with explaining something called gender dysphoria. The word and definition resonate deep within his chest, his stomach drops. This feels wrong to just be openly browsing in the living room, he should be up in his room with the door closed and locked. It almost feels as bad as the time Richie tried to get him to watch some porn without headphones on.

He takes it upstairs, closing his door behind him a little harder than he meant to. He looks at himself in the mirror, pulling off the two sports bras he’s layered atop each other. He looks at himself then, chewing his lower lip in question. Gender Dysphoria.

gen·der dys·pho·ri·a  
/ˈjendər disˈfôrēə/  
noun  
MEDICINE  
the condition of feeling one's emotional and psychological identity as male or female to be opposite to one's biological sex.

It suddenly makes sense to him. His mind has never really been congruent with the body he’s been given. There’s nothing wrong with his body, he’s in shape, maybe even a little under what his weight should be. But this body just doesn’t feel right. Tears bubble in the corners of his eyes and he yanks the sports bras back on. He almost feels elation like he had when he cut his hair. He understands now, and he can do something about it.

He looks at his bio on tumblr, clicking the edit button on his theme without hesitation. He goes to where the pronouns lie there, “she/her”. He backspaces those, replacing them with “he/him”. He feels his heart beat fast, but it’s not bad. It feels right, refreshing.

Nothing is as amazing as the time someone makes a post about his art. Not only is he filled with joy that someone likes his creations enough, but they used the he to describe him. It feels like the opposite of the word he’d recently discovered. He feels euphoric.

He’s not ready to tell his youtube channel nor his friends or any other followers. But people on tumblr may have already noticed the change in pronouns, he may as well explain. He opens to create a post, staring at the flashing black line where his words should be, where they will be.

“Hello!

So you probably know me simply as bdenbrough. That’s my username, it’s how I go online. It’s actually based off my middle name being Billie, after my grandfather who was named William. My name I won’t say because I don’t feel very connected with it. However, if you want to call me something call me Bill, or Billy. 

This isn’t meant to be an inconvenience but I want to try out he/him pronouns after some recent discoveries. Don’t worry, my posts will continue as normal, this is a personal change but nothing else really should change. Thank you for keeping up with my nonsense!”

He clicks post, watching extremely closely as it processes, the posted check mark popping up and making him let out a sigh of relief. Bill. William. It’s perfect. It’s already a part of his name, and even better it’s a tribute to his late granddad whom he’d adored.

He opens the free binders page again for the first time in days. All he has to do is give them his information. He types out his address, his full name. William Billie Denbrough. The middle name will need to change, but for now he can chuckle about it. He submits his form, smiling to himself. He know he probably won’t get one, waiting lists being longer than ever these days. But it’s a start, it’s something to look forward to.

In the future he could be comfortable, he could really be himself once he’s an adult. He can have short hair and a flat chest. He found out about something called testosterone. The word itself even makes him crave to already be 18 and on his own, and able to go on it. One day he won’t have to be this little girl that his mom has tried to cultivate. He’ll be William Denbrough, wearing men’s clothes and growing a gingery beard to balance out how he plans to shave half his head at some point. He may decide against it though, he wants to be manly, not emo. 

He decides to read a bit more about binding. He has been supposedly for the past few weeks now. It’s not comfortable. It’s hard to breathe, but then his brain can breathe, it would be impossible to explain to anyone who hasn’t felt it. He learns that he’s doing it unhealthily. He’s not allowed to bind while sleeping, and shouldn’t when exercising. He doesn’t really plan to stop, though until he reads the risks.

Rib bruising, lung contraction, chest deformities. And even the chance that they cannot successfully go through top surgery. This one hits him like a brick, he needs to work harder at actually taking care of himself.


	8. coming out to my friends??

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bill finally gathers the courage to tell the people closest to him who he really is, and he gets a better result than expected.

For months upon months Bill’s posts are exclusively art, nothing personal, anywhere. All his Instagram pictures are of his drawings and sketches and water color works in progress. Tumblr has a few reblogged text posts here and there, but mostly only updates on his creative works. There isn’t much to update, just that he’s living his life a little happier than he was before.

He’d been deeply scolded for chopping all his hair off but the anger didn’t last long. After all, Sharon and Zach often forget they have another son now that Georgie is gone. So now everything has been better, they ignore it now and he’s not able to ignore how much happier he’s gotten since he made the first steps to becoming himself. He hasn’t done anything but bind and cut his hair, but at least he can put a name to it all.

His next plan is to actually tell the people he sees on a day to day basis. They have probably noticed the change, he really should tell them. He’s thirteen now, it’s a beautiful spring day, right on the verge of summer, the cusp of the seasons balancing nicely. It’s not too hot, just nice.

He sits criss cross on his trampoline in the back yard, wearing a white v neck over his sports bras, denim shorts cut from blue jeans on as his bottoms, falling just above the knee with the light string fraying around the edge. He pulls out his camera to film now, a nice intro outside with the sweet chirp of birds and the rustle of the crisp green leaves.

He finally presses play, brushing his hair back with his hands, using his fingers are the teeth of a comb, he’s gotten far out of the habit of actually brushing his hair regularly. It isn’t too necessary, he’s just been trimming his hair shorter and shorter, shorter on the sides than on the top, and he can about handle the middle long pieces with just running his hands through it from time to time.

His freckles are popping up now from his regular exposure to sunlight, more like having the light stream through his open window shades as he sketches. It’s nice, soothing. The way he’s learned to cope being romanticising every part of his life that he can. It makes everything seem more worth it, he’s told his viewers, and he really hopes the ones in low places try it out.

He smiles at the camera, his eyes gleaming in the light of the early afternoon. “What u-up you guys it’s m-me, bdenbrough. A lot h-has changed since we last t-talked face to face. Call me B-Billy now. A guy, real n-nice boy right here,” he says with a smooth smile, he’s gotten so much more well off since he’s been spending more time as himself, and it’s about to get better now that he’ll be out to the people he cares about.

“Today I-I’ll be telling my fr-friends the same thing I j-just told you, m-my new name and stuff. And y-you guys get to join me!” he giggles nervously, not sure how they’ll react. Especially Richie, he points out how he’s a girl a lot of the time. He hopes he understands and he’s not upset with him, he’s almost as close to him as Eddie is.

He puts his palm against the camera as a lazy transition to the next scene, he sets he and Mike and Stan up in the living room on the couch to tell them both at once. He tells them a complete lie about what this video is. He feels so sneaky about it, this is one of the biggest deals of his life, at least when it comes to a positive one.

They get a few minutes into the storytime until Stan casually uses Bill’s deadname in the story, not knowing the new one. Bill takes the opportunity. “Speaking of me, I have s-something to tell you,” he says, feeling adrenaline pump through his body.

“I’m thinking about just g-going by Bill now,” he says in a soft voice. He always imagined himself more confident in this situation, but he doesn’t blame himself, it’s a big deal. Stan and Mike each look perplexed for a moment.

“Sounds good, Billy,” Mike says with a smile, pulling Bill into a hug seeing as he’s seated right next to him on the couch. Stan leans in to hug too, smiling big for the two of them, he’s proud of Bill for being able to come out to them.

The next hug he gets is from Eddie at the quarry, he’d come out to him as he threw pebbles over the edge with the smaller and more nervous boy. He’s told “I don’t think of you any different, you’re still my best friend,” in the way of Eddie’s small and quivering voice. “I’m proud of you, so much. I love you, Bill,” he says, rubbing Bill’s back firmly before pulling away.

The next person he tells is Ben, over a book at the library. He pulls out a book that he knows mentions transness and gender issues. He opens to the page about being a transsexual. “I think I’m l-like this, Ben. I want y-you to call me a boy. And B-Bill, I like that name for me a lot,” he says softly. Ben obviously agrees.

“I’m sorry you’ve been dealing with this for so long, that’s gotta be awful. If there’s any way I can help you at all ever seriously let me know. I care about you, Bill,” the boy says, putting his hand carefully on Bill’s arm.

Next comes telling Beverly. It feels harder because of his feelings for her, he’s genuinely scared of her opinion. He tells her to be pleasantly surprised though, she pulls him close and whispers in his ear, “Thank God, I get to be the only badass redhead chick, you can be my male sidekick,” she chuckles quietly right to his ear after she says it and before pulling back.

He tells Richie over a cigarette on his porch as the sun sets. He’s the last one he tells that day. He gets a playful smile in response. “I guess I’ll have to find a new nickname to tease you with to fit your name, huh? Big Bill,” Richie says, nudging Bill’s side as he takes a pull of the cigarette and hands it over to Bill.

Bill couldn’t be happier with how this turned out. All of them reacted better than he ever could have hoped, and he’s elated over it. High on the validation, flying to cloud nine.


End file.
